August has arrived, and if you’re reading this, congratulations—you’ve survived another summer! Your prize? I’m so glad you asked! Prizes shouldn’t just be for kids, right? So let’s see what’s on the horizon. Could it be an all-expenses-paid trip to a tropical resort? Not exactly.
You, fellow parents, have the sweet promise of school supply sales, a return to routine, and the quiet joy of sipping coffee without hearing “I’m bored” every 15 minutes. But before we rush to sharpen those pencils and pack those lunchboxes, let’s take a moment to honor all you’ve endured these past few months.
THE EPIC BATTLES YOU’VE FOUGHT
The Sunscreen Struggle: It starts with figuring out what sunscreen to even purchase. Spray? Mineral? SPF? Who even knows?! And applying sunscreen? Well, we all know that applying sunscreen to a child is like wrestling a greased-up octopus that also happens to scream. And yet, despite your best efforts, there’s always one streak of sunburn.
The Pool Towel Debacle: Where is that smell coming from? You’ve washed, dried, and folded approximately 4,279 towels, only for them to end up in a damp, smelly heap within an hour. The faint odor of mildew will linger long after summer ends.
The Snack Wars: We all need snacks. But something about summer brings out the snack monster in everyone (even us!). You bought enough snacks to feed a small village, yet somehow, there’s “nothing good to eat.” Plus, you’ve resorted to eating the bag of crushed animal crackers at the bottom of the swim bag.
The Car Smells Situation: At some point, you just had to accept that your car would smell like wet swimsuits, smashed Goldfish crackers, and possibly something that was once dairy-based but has evolved into a new species. Should you clean the car out or just get a new one? It’s a toss-up.
The Bedtime Negotiations: Remember when bedtime was a thing? Neither do your kids. It now takes multiple reminders, bribes, and threats of “no screen time tomorrow” to get them to sleep before midnight.
A WEEK-BY-WEEK BREAKDOWN OF YOUR SANITY
Week One: “This summer is going to be magical!”
Week Two: “It’s going ok. This isn’t so bad.”
Week Three: “Okay, this is a lot of togetherness.”
Week Four: “I love my kids. I love my kids. I love my kids.”
Week Five: “We are out of money, patience, and the will to entertain these people.”
Week Six: “I’m just going to check and see when the first day is so we’re ready.”
Week Seven: “Dinner? Ummm…who wants ice cream?”
Week Eight: “School starts soon. I think I’ll miss them. Maybe.”
Week Nine: “Wait, did we do enough fun things? Should we take a last-minute trip?!”
Week Ten: “Nope. We are officially out of energy. Someone hand me the back-to-school supply list and a giant coffee.”
THE UNEXPECTED TALENTS YOU’VE DEVELOPED
Professional Event Planner: You now understand why camp counselors exist.
Human Air Conditioner: “No, I don’t know why it’s so hot. Yes, I wish we had a pool too.”
Amateur Detective: Who left the wet towel on the couch? Who ate the last ice pop and left the empty box in the freezer? Where is your bathing suit? Who has the goggles, the good ones? Who dumped sand in the back of the car?
Olympic-Level Referee: You can now break up sibling fights before they escalate to WWE-level brawls.
Expert at Answering Impossible Questions: “What if sharks had wings? Would they still live in the ocean?” (What?)
THE END IS NEAR—HANG IN THERE!
Sure, August is still summer, but it’s late summer. The light at the end of the tunnel is glowing (or maybe that’s just the reflection from your kid’s iPad that you swore they wouldn’t use so much). Either way, you’ve made it. And that deserves a trophy. Or at the very least, a giant iced coffee and five uninterrupted minutes to scroll your phone in peace.
