Sending a child off to college can be one of the most emotional milestones in parenting. As time flies, the days of changing diapers, helping with homework, dropping them off at school activities, and packing lunches fade into the rearview mirror. It’s time for them to go to college.
As parents, you try to remain confident that the foundation you have built over the past 18 years will be able to accompany your child across the miles and throughout the years. But how do you navigate the transition as a parent? How do you navigate independence and set boundaries that benefit both you and your child?
Mixed Emotions
Marti Burton, MA, ALC, NCC, EMDR-T, and therapist at Empower Counseling & Coaching, says she sees a mix of emotions from parents when a child leaves for college. Many times she will see pride, fulfillment, and excitement at a child getting into college, receiving scholarships, or just experiencing something new. But Burton says sometimes those emotions come with increased sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and role confusion.
“Role confusion is a normal, but uncomfortable, part of development that comes when parenting is no longer the main focus of an adult’s life. It can take some time to adjust to reducing emphasis on parenting duties and instead focusing on things that bring fulfillment to parents,” says Burton.
She also explains that no emotion is wrong or inherently bad, and she prefers to use “favorable” or “unfavorable” to describe emotions rather than positive or negative.
This stage can feel harder than parents expect, even with a successful transition. Burton says parents tend to focus on their child’s experience and emotions, and forget that they also will experience change. “Parents help their children logistically prepare for college, help process the mixed emotions upcoming college students have, and even put their own experience to the side to support their child. When there is a successful transition, the parent doesn’t necessarily have to put as much emphasis on their child anymore, and are then faced with their emotions that have been placed to the side,” she says.
Setting Boundaries
An important first step for parents setting new boundaries is to have open and honest conversations between parent(s) and children, Burton explains. Exploring what exactly the child wants and/or needs while being curious, but also realistic, as to what you as a parent can provide during this time helps set groundwork and expectations. Helpful topics of discussion can include how often visits can occur (that goes both ways for parents visiting college and students coming home), how involved parents can be in academics and school life, and expectations around communication.
Most importantly, Burton says it’s important to remain flexible. “We often don’t know what life will look like until we are living it, and boundaries that make sense on the front end might not be realistic when at college. Continuous communication around changes in boundaries and expectations can help make this process smooth.”
One common boundary mistake Burton sees well-intended parents make is not listening to their child’s needs. An example can be when a parent either visits too often or expects their child to come home more than the child wants or needs. To reduce frustration and set some expectations, seek open communication and feedback between parents and children. Remember, college is a great opportunity for children to learn independence and continue to grow into who they are as a person.
Things to Remember
One of the biggest pieces of advice Burton says she can give parents when they are learning to let their child go to college is to let them make mistakes.
“Well-meaning parents often want life to be easy for their children and want to mitigate or fix challenges for them. We all make mistakes, and the important part of this is the learning that comes from these experiences. It might be uncomfortable for parents to let this happen, but it can create valuable lessons for the rest of life,” she says.
Burton says another piece of advice is to have parents remember that your own college experience might not be the same as your child’s. She often hears parents comment that college was the best time of their lives, so why is their child struggling? According to Burton, when children hear this, they can internalize that they are wrong for struggling or not liking college. To help, lean in with curiosity to a child’s experience, instead of putting an experience on their child.
Coping Tools
A tool that can help parents adjust is intentional reflection. When parents get worried about how their child is doing, or even just missing their child, they tend to want to go into “fix mode.” But this can lead to broken boundaries and create more frustration.
“I like to use reflection as a way to not necessarily fix the uncomfortable emotions, but rather learn to manage the discomfort when it comes up,” says Burton. Parents can reflect on their accomplishments with parenting (“I raised an intelligent/kind/capable child”), helpful qualities about their child (“My child is good at making friends and managing their time”), or any other pieces of information that can help them recognize that their child will be ok, she explains.
The discomfort that can come with these transitions do not last forever. Burton’s one piece of reassurance to offer parents navigating this stage is that it is temporary. “I like to compare it to the newborn stage, where the sleepless nights, crying, and overall transition to parenthood feels endless. Then one day, sleep starts coming more naturally, the crying seems to slow down, and you feel like you have the hang of caring for a child.”
Colleges often have resources not only for students, but for parents making this transition as well. Some colleges may contain versions of “parent corners” on their websites that contain information about what is happening at the school and how they can support their child in the transition.
Every parent has their own experience when it comes to this transition. You might feel different feelings and emotions than your spouse or friends in the same stage. But just because you feel differently than someone else does not make you wrong or a bad parent, Burton assures. She says it is important to give yourself, and your student, grace throughout these changes.
